Dick Cheney Shot Me Too - And he'll shoot you next...

He shot me in the back while I was sleeping

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 16:22:30 -0600

I like a good sleep -- is there a problem with that? Some days I'll knock off 8 or 9 hours in the afternoon, it's just the way I am. So you can imagine my surprise when I'm basking in a warm sliver of sunlight and suddenly I hear this THUMP! THUMP!

I thought it was a dream. I rolled over and figured that whatever it was would go away. But then I felt something tickle my leg. A spider? I tried to swat it away.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the steely whoosh of a silencer broke the, uh, silence, and a bullet went right through my hind leg. I heard him laugh and run away. That's how Dick Cheney shot me too. Fortunately I have three more legs, and he wasn't a very good shot.

oooh baby baby oooh -- this might be about dick.

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 08:05:49 -0500

cherry on top. but not too sweet. double dutch butter scotch. i love this beat. give up what you got, boy, you won't never get no sleep. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, is that my cell phone? you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, why did the chicken cross the road?

down in front. please baby please. sugar put your hands on me. mmm mmmm. squeeze. howl like a hound dog. scratch your fleas. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, yo mr. cheney, just put the gun down! you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, do these pants make me look fat?

every thing in balance, these things take time. the yin thing and the yang thing. engine number 69. going down again. throw me a line. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, i think it's time to watch dragonball z. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, you know vegeta is the prince of all saiyans.

love me tender, elvis. we can play it straight. even do like missionaries. still feels great. daddy's car. prom night. out on a date. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, that's so traditional. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, who was better the ramones or the stones?

s-s-s-sex can be sacred. love can be fun. respect yourself. stay protected. be sure your sweet thing comes. aw come on, i know you know exactly how that's done. you say, oooh baby, baby oooh. i say, do fries come with that shake? you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, hmmmm. i've had worse. listen to this cool song and others at www.artistlaunch.com/treeef.

Damn the Conspiracy

Mon, 01 May 2006 20:04:13 -0500

Allright, i'm just at home checking my e-mail and come up to one of my friends mail. It had a link to www.dickcheneyshotmetoo.com. Actually heres the e-mail "www.dickcheneyshotmetoo.com go there sign up and tell your story of how dick cheney shot you too lol. its such a good website." Around the time where you usually delete the message a mad man jumped through my window and shot me directly in the body. Before he left, he had the audacity to throw a bean bag at me and force me to play dodge-ball with him.

I got owned by that SOB!

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 00:39:09 -0500

I was just sitting at school during history class. My friend Alex and i were talking about what we like to call the "cheney incident" and all of the sudden out of nowhere comes this nut. he says "OWNED! IM A GONNA MAKE YOU MY BITCH" as i turned around to see who was saying these terrible things, BAM! shot right in the face had a concusion was unconcious for a week. but when i woke up guess what BAM! Dick shot me again! so this time i woke up 2 weeks later this time no dick yet so i figured im safe for now. i escaped the hospital and now live in an armored mobile fortress because i know that one day dick will rise again!

At first I thought he was in some sort of a jealous rage...

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 13:38:12 -0600

I mean, when two vice presidents get together there's bound to be some friction.

But I felt a lot better when he explained to me it was nothing more than Quayle hunting.

Danny Q.

At a Mexican party before hitting the piñata

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 11:59:37 -0600

It was the birthday party for my 5 year-old daughter's best friend. The girl is of Mexican descent so the festivities were being carried out as a joyful traditional celebration. As I was helping my girl with the stick to hit the piñata I noticed people backing away and some of the kids started to cry.

They were afraid of this man with a loud walk and a quirky smile. He was accompanied by two tough-looking fellows in black suits. At the time I didn't think of backing away and my daughter and I were soon left alone facing these 3 characters, and the piñata.

One of the suits pulled out a shotgun and handed it to the main man. That's when I realized what was going on. It was Dick Cheney! It had to be. I pushed my kid away as hard as I could and prepared for the blast.

I was not ready for the intense pain. I knew it would hurt but this was very bad. I then remembered the drill… "I'm very sorry, very sorry for all of this" I kept repeating profusely. Dick laughed, hugged one of the suits, kissed the other one on the forehead, and then they all left.

Friendly Fire?

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 18:33:01 -0600

It was one of those hot, breathless, tropical evenings and I was on patrol with my men. To be precise, the soldiers of C Company, 2nd Battalion, Royal Regiment of Fusiliers on the outskirts of Al Basrah in southern Iraq. Just another evening in the summer of 2005, just another patrol, or so we thought...
We'd had our fair share of casualties already in this damned conflict; IEDs, snipers, suicide bombers, you name it, the situation here was so f**ked-up nobody on either side knew much of what was going on. I know some good men who'd gone home in a bodybag for these bloody politicians and their greed and avarice.
I sure hadn't been keen to return for my second tour but the thought of my buddies, men I'd trained, men who had saved my life on occasion, facing that hell without me gave me the courage to return. Maybe this time we'd get it right, maybe this time we'd return home safely and we could really say "mission accomplished".

We didn't hear it coming and I sure as hell didn't see it, I had my back turned, but let history record that my buddies saw him as clear as day through their scopes, sat there chuckling with his sweat-soaked, trembling, adrenalin-fuelled neo-con cronies. The last thing we needed that evening was "friendly fire", but that's what we got.
Turns out Dick and his buddies had gotten some new DU ammo for their hunting rifles, and they knew a good place to pick off some easy prey. Their chartered Blackhawk set them down in the heat of the day and they'd holed-up in an abandoned electricity substation right in the heart of our patrol sector waiting, watching, stuffing their overpaid fat, drunken faces with Mars Bars, Oreo cookies and cold, greasy fried chicken wings. Beer, bourbon and beta-blockers don't make good hunting snacks, as I was about to find out first-hand... (click "read more")

I'm grateful...

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 16:11:22 -0600

Yes, I too, am one of the fortunates who was recently shot by Vice President Cheney.

During a recent business trip to Washington DC, I stumbled upon an old sporting goods store. I noticed that they had for a sale a beautiful Thompson's gazelle pelt/rug. It was beautiful! Complete with taxidermed head, it was six feet long. I had no idea that they grew that large? So I bought it.

With hours to kill before my next meeting, I figured I'd walk the rug back to my hotel which was only two blocks away. I threw the rug over my back, almost wearing it like a coat, and with the head weirdly to the side of my own like some sort of bizzarro-world human-Thompson's gazelle mutant.

That's when my luck got really good. As it happened, the Vice President's motorcade happened by. Suddenly, one of the limosines slammed on it's brakes, and out scurried the Vice President. He had a tube tied around his bicep, and a needle hanging from the crook of his elbow.

"Damn your eyes, man!" he grumbled, as he revealed a shotgun and fired from 15 feet away. The impact threw me (and the rug) back through the glass storefront of an Army Surplus store, and we tumbled into a number of mannequins garbed in military gear. Cheney then opened fire again, this time focused on me. "You're welcome" he said, as he shot me in the face from point blank range.

"Thank you sir, may I have another" I exclaimed through my torn flesh, shattered bone and mangled tounge. But it was not to be. He scampered back to his limo, and a Secret Service Agent ran to me, handed me a business card, and ran back to the motorcade. The card said: "IF VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY SHOT YOU IN THE FACE, PLEASE CALL THIS NUMBER: ***-555-1212. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY 24/7. Right about then, I passed out from massive blood loss.

I was collecting empty bottles on the Commons

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 13:32:08 -0600

With temperatures above freezing lately, I'm able to pull all-day marathons pushing my trusty old rebicycle all over the Commons in my short skirt and skintight nylons stretched over my muscular, manly legs.

I headed over to the dumpsters behind City Hall. Some real classy bottles back there -- SoBe, Silk Chai, Dasani -- and there's this loud argument going on back there.

Turns out Mayor Peterson caught Dick back there shoving shredded documents into his rucksack. Yes, rucksack. When Dick realized I'd seen everything he reached into his trenchcoat. I let go of my rebicycle, knocking it to the ground, bottles and cans flying through the air. I heard POP POP POP and in the confusion couldn't tell if the sound was my recyclables shattering or bullets piercing the air.

I turned to run back toward the Commons where the panhandlers would surely protect me. But my stockings got caught on my rebicycle chain. That's when Dick Cheney shot me too. I lay on the ground bleeding, my flowing blond hair streaked with dirt. Long after Dick had run off, the cops found me and helped me into their little yellow Beetle. By the way, I am a man.

Nip, tuck, bang

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 07:00:52 -0600

He said he just wanted a little work done on his scowl. "A little more severe" he ordered. I figure, easy money, compared to the 8 hour boob job/lipo jobs I normally do on middled-aged obese women. He says "no anesthesia" - my experience is, lots of men say it, none of them mean it. But Dick meant it. I slice and dice and Dick doesn't even grunt.

A week later, he gets the bill. I try to tell him, I'm a highly skilled specialist. We get paid what we deserve. That's when Dick Cheney shot me too.

On a blind date

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 06:55:43 -0600

I was on the rebound after ten years with Fred. I wouldn't say there was any one thing that broke us up. It just happened over time. We drifted. He got into Chardonnay, I got into Pinot. So this friend of ours Ally, she's always been great -- a shoulder to cry on, you know. I don't know why she can't find a good man. But who am I to talk?

Anyway, Ally suggests I go out with this new guy at her work place -- some secret underground bunker she works at, she's never told me where it is. All I know is, she travels a lot. I wish I could pack like she does.

Anyway, I get all shaved and cleaned up and show up at the rendezvous point. We order -- Dick has the venison, raw, which I thought was a little forward for a first date. We talked about our messed up love lives. I made some kind of joke about how we'd have better luck at Guantanamo Bay and you should've seen Dick's face go cold. I knew he wasn't laughing. What I didn't know was what he was cocking under the table. That's when Dick Cheney shot me too.

Worst drug deal ever

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 06:46:41 -0600

So I'm standing at the corner of Crack Street and Crack Blvd in front of that red painted crack house -- the one with the picket fence. Finally after keeping me hanging 20 minutes in the bitter cold, who sneaks up and jabs me in the back? It's Dick, and he's packing. That's how Dick shot me too. Plus, he TOOK MY MONEY!!!

We were drinking buddies in the war

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 18:51:26 -0600

Back then in WWI or II, I forget which now it's been awhile, Dick and I shared the same platoon. Every night we'd drink and holler, slam the dog ("dog" is what we'd call the privates), and throw back a fistful of yellow cake (angel food to you 'mericans). One night I said, I said, "Dick, you couldn't shoot a dead turd with tire tracks through it". Dick got real mad when I said that, and also whenever I'd remind him of the time I slept with his wife. Anyway, what was I saying?

So the next day I'm in the latrine reading the latest issue of scientific 'merican (the one with the schematic for a transistor type radio). Guess who had climbed right down into the plumbing? That crazy mutha waited in that sewer line three days -- I didn't need to go every day on account of the piss poor mash they were feedin' us -- and just as I reached down all finished like -- well, that's when Dick Cheney shot me too. Still hurts it does.

When I was just 6...

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 18:38:56 -0600

I swear this is true. Many years ago I was at the county fair. I wanted to go on those spinning teacups, you know the one that makes you vomit -- anyway, my mother said no way and instead she made go to that lame booth where you shoot a target. And guess who was there?? Yes, Dick Cheney. He was about 80 years younger then but basically looked the same. He was shooting and kept missing the target and cussing up a storm. The carnie guy told him the game was over but Dick wouldn't leave.

I tugged on his leg and looked up at his huge head and said "excuse me, mister, can I try now?" Dick sneered at me, turned back to the carnie guy, and shot him in the head! He fell down and knocked all the toys over. A stuffed bear came flying out and I grabbed it. And that's when Dick Cheney shot me too.

He insulted me and my friend and then opened fire!

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 10:41:27 -0600

I was hunting one morning with my friend Dan Quayle, when we bumped into Dick Cheney in the underbrush. I congratulated him for earning 7 figures last year. "7 figures!" he said to me. "Try 945,000, pea brain!" That's when he lifted his gun and pumped me full of buckshot. As I lay there, I saw Dick turn to my friend and say, "Still think they speak Latin in Latin America, moron! Good think I'm-a goin' Quayle huntin' today!" Then he blew Dan away too! I'm seriously considering a lawsuit, but Dan says a suit wouldn't look good on me, and they ain't no good for hunting.