Yes, I too, am one of the fortunates who was recently shot by Vice President Cheney.

During a recent business trip to Washington DC, I stumbled upon an old sporting goods store. I noticed that they had for a sale a beautiful Thompson's gazelle pelt/rug. It was beautiful! Complete with taxidermed head, it was six feet long. I had no idea that they grew that large? So I bought it.

With hours to kill before my next meeting, I figured I'd walk the rug back to my hotel which was only two blocks away. I threw the rug over my back, almost wearing it like a coat, and with the head weirdly to the side of my own like some sort of bizzarro-world human-Thompson's gazelle mutant.

That's when my luck got really good. As it happened, the Vice President's motorcade happened by. Suddenly, one of the limosines slammed on it's brakes, and out scurried the Vice President. He had a tube tied around his bicep, and a needle hanging from the crook of his elbow.

"Damn your eyes, man!" he grumbled, as he revealed a shotgun and fired from 15 feet away. The impact threw me (and the rug) back through the glass storefront of an Army Surplus store, and we tumbled into a number of mannequins garbed in military gear. Cheney then opened fire again, this time focused on me. "You're welcome" he said, as he shot me in the face from point blank range.

"Thank you sir, may I have another" I exclaimed through my torn flesh, shattered bone and mangled tounge. But it was not to be. He scampered back to his limo, and a Secret Service Agent ran to me, handed me a business card, and ran back to the motorcade. The card said: "IF VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY SHOT YOU IN THE FACE, PLEASE CALL THIS NUMBER: ***-555-1212. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY 24/7. Right about then, I passed out from massive blood loss.

A few days later, I sent out a press release to apologize to the Vice President for my face having gotten in the way of whatever his intended target may have been. Graciously, he accepted my apology and told me that he'd gladly shoot me in the face again, as soon as I was better.

So sure, I don't have a face (yet). The doctors at Walter Reed tell me I'll be right as rain in 3-7 years. And thanks to the "trust fund" set up by Mr. Cheney and the fine folks at Halliburton and the Carlyle Group, I'll never have to work again. I'm just glad I'm still young enough to enjoy it, unlike the old fart he shot last week.