scooter

Tell us your story!

No matter what your political stripe, chances are you've been shot by Dick Cheney. Often, people find they are embarassed to tell others about their victimization at the Vice President's rock-steady hands. But here at DickCheneyShotMeToo.com, we understand that telling your story is the only way you will fully heal (after the surgery, that is).

In our experience, being shot by Dick Cheney and your subsequent recovery is a six-stage process:

1. You bend over to retrieve something while Dick cocks his gun.

2. Dick sees his prey and fires.

3. You wake up in a hospital riddled with bullet wounds, but you can't feel them because so much morphine is pumping through your veins that your only sensation is that of being a fat balloon filled with warm water. It doesn't seem that bad at first.

4. The morphine drip recedes and shame takes its place. Guilt overwhelms you. You feel an urge to publically apologize to Dick Cheney, even though he's the one who pulled the trigger.

5. You consider selling your story to the mainstream media, but they've already covered a Cheney shooting last week, so then you desperately go to a tabloid, but they're too busy with the latest Olsen twins scandal, and so you grasp for a sympathetic blog in a dark, moist corner of the web...

6. ...And here you are! Congratulations on your recovery. We know what you went through. We've all been Shot By Dick Cheney Too!

scooter

I was slinging hash at the local greasy spoon when this man in a trenchcoat walks in flanked by two or three or eight bodyguards. He asks if we have any more mud and I tell him a new pot just went on, give it a minute or five. I guess this wasn't the night to test his patience, because right then I saw a shadow move real fast, and before I knew it, I hit the ground hard, blood dribbling from both knees. That's when Dick Cheney shot me too.

elladibella

I like a good sleep -- is there a problem with that? Some days I'll knock off 8 or 9 hours in the afternoon, it's just the way I am. So you can imagine my surprise when I'm basking in a warm sliver of sunlight and suddenly I hear this THUMP! THUMP!

I thought it was a dream. I rolled over and figured that whatever it was would go away. But then I felt something tickle my leg. A spider? I tried to swat it away.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the steely whoosh of a silencer broke the, uh, silence, and a bullet went right through my hind leg. I heard him laugh and run away. That's how Dick Cheney shot me too. Fortunately I have three more legs, and he wasn't a very good shot.

treeef

cherry on top. but not too sweet. double dutch butter scotch. i love this beat. give up what you got, boy, you won't never get no sleep. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, is that my cell phone? you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, why did the chicken cross the road?

down in front. please baby please. sugar put your hands on me. mmm mmmm. squeeze. howl like a hound dog. scratch your fleas. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, yo mr. cheney, just put the gun down! you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, do these pants make me look fat?

every thing in balance, these things take time. the yin thing and the yang thing. engine number 69. going down again. throw me a line. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, i think it's time to watch dragonball z. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, you know vegeta is the prince of all saiyans.

love me tender, elvis. we can play it straight. even do like missionaries. still feels great. daddy's car. prom night. out on a date. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, that's so traditional. you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, who was better the ramones or the stones?

s-s-s-sex can be sacred. love can be fun. respect yourself. stay protected. be sure your sweet thing comes. aw come on, i know you know exactly how that's done. you say, oooh baby, baby oooh. i say, do fries come with that shake? you say, oooh baby baby oooh. i say, hmmmm. i've had worse. listen to this cool song and others at www.artistlaunch.com/treeef.

FoxofGray

Allright, i'm just at home checking my e-mail and come up to one of my friends mail. It had a link to www.dickcheneyshotmetoo.com. Actually heres the e-mail "www.dickcheneyshotmetoo.com go there sign up and tell your story of how dick cheney shot you too lol. its such a good website." Around the time where you usually delete the message a mad man jumped through my window and shot me directly in the body. Before he left, he had the audacity to throw a bean bag at me and force me to play dodge-ball with him.

GW2

I was just sitting at school during history class. My friend Alex and i were talking about what we like to call the "cheney incident" and all of the sudden out of nowhere comes this nut. he says "OWNED! IM A GONNA MAKE YOU MY BITCH" as i turned around to see who was saying these terrible things, BAM! shot right in the face had a concusion was unconcious for a week. but when i woke up guess what BAM! Dick shot me again! so this time i woke up 2 weeks later this time no dick yet so i figured im safe for now. i escaped the hospital and now live in an armored mobile fortress because i know that one day dick will rise again!

Dan Quayle

I mean, when two vice presidents get together there's bound to be some friction.

But I felt a lot better when he explained to me it was nothing more than Quayle hunting.

Danny Q.

thankful

It was the birthday party for my 5 year-old daughter's best friend. The girl is of Mexican descent so the festivities were being carried out as a joyful traditional celebration. As I was helping my girl with the stick to hit the piñata I noticed people backing away and some of the kids started to cry.

They were afraid of this man with a loud walk and a quirky smile. He was accompanied by two tough-looking fellows in black suits. At the time I didn't think of backing away and my daughter and I were soon left alone facing these 3 characters, and the piñata.

One of the suits pulled out a shotgun and handed it to the main man. That's when I realized what was going on. It was Dick Cheney! It had to be. I pushed my kid away as hard as I could and prepared for the blast.

I was not ready for the intense pain. I knew it would hurt but this was very bad. I then remembered the drill… "I'm very sorry, very sorry for all of this" I kept repeating profusely. Dick laughed, hugged one of the suits, kissed the other one on the forehead, and then they all left.

slowfallerUK

It was one of those hot, breathless, tropical evenings and I was on patrol with my men. To be precise, the soldiers of C Company, 2nd Battalion, Royal Regiment of Fusiliers on the outskirts of Al Basrah in southern Iraq. Just another evening in the summer of 2005, just another patrol, or so we thought...
We'd had our fair share of casualties already in this damned conflict; IEDs, snipers, suicide bombers, you name it, the situation here was so f**ked-up nobody on either side knew much of what was going on. I know some good men who'd gone home in a bodybag for these bloody politicians and their greed and avarice.
I sure hadn't been keen to return for my second tour but the thought of my buddies, men I'd trained, men who had saved my life on occasion, facing that hell without me gave me the courage to return. Maybe this time we'd get it right, maybe this time we'd return home safely and we could really say "mission accomplished".

We didn't hear it coming and I sure as hell didn't see it, I had my back turned, but let history record that my buddies saw him as clear as day through their scopes, sat there chuckling with his sweat-soaked, trembling, adrenalin-fuelled neo-con cronies. The last thing we needed that evening was "friendly fire", but that's what we got.
Turns out Dick and his buddies had gotten some new DU ammo for their hunting rifles, and they knew a good place to pick off some easy prey. Their chartered Blackhawk set them down in the heat of the day and they'd holed-up in an abandoned electricity substation right in the heart of our patrol sector waiting, watching, stuffing their overpaid fat, drunken faces with Mars Bars, Oreo cookies and cold, greasy fried chicken wings. Beer, bourbon and beta-blockers don't make good hunting snacks, as I was about to find out first-hand... (click "read more")

bigbigjoel

Yes, I too, am one of the fortunates who was recently shot by Vice President Cheney.

During a recent business trip to Washington DC, I stumbled upon an old sporting goods store. I noticed that they had for a sale a beautiful Thompson's gazelle pelt/rug. It was beautiful! Complete with taxidermed head, it was six feet long. I had no idea that they grew that large? So I bought it.

With hours to kill before my next meeting, I figured I'd walk the rug back to my hotel which was only two blocks away. I threw the rug over my back, almost wearing it like a coat, and with the head weirdly to the side of my own like some sort of bizzarro-world human-Thompson's gazelle mutant.

That's when my luck got really good. As it happened, the Vice President's motorcade happened by. Suddenly, one of the limosines slammed on it's brakes, and out scurried the Vice President. He had a tube tied around his bicep, and a needle hanging from the crook of his elbow.

"Damn your eyes, man!" he grumbled, as he revealed a shotgun and fired from 15 feet away. The impact threw me (and the rug) back through the glass storefront of an Army Surplus store, and we tumbled into a number of mannequins garbed in military gear. Cheney then opened fire again, this time focused on me. "You're welcome" he said, as he shot me in the face from point blank range.

"Thank you sir, may I have another" I exclaimed through my torn flesh, shattered bone and mangled tounge. But it was not to be. He scampered back to his limo, and a Secret Service Agent ran to me, handed me a business card, and ran back to the motorcade. The card said: "IF VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY SHOT YOU IN THE FACE, PLEASE CALL THIS NUMBER: ***-555-1212. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY 24/7. Right about then, I passed out from massive blood loss.